Autism is...Frustrating -I asked God once to help me to have patience. Boy, be careful what you pray for! That was years before Michael was born and have I learned patience. Autism is frustrating because there is NOTHING I can do! Nothing! The only thing I have figured out to do is raise money for research and awareness. Yes, I try to help with homework and plan for his future but there is no treatment, no medicine, no cause so I can't fight this. Of course, if it is frustrating for me, I cannot imagine how it feels to Michael. That brings me to another frustration; what is this child thinking?! Frustrating? How about driving through town with a three year old and he starts screaming, "Go that way!" at the top of his lungs? "That way" is a random street that has nothing that he would know. I have gotten back to my house many times in tears and with my hands shaking because I had no clue what he wanted. (I still don't because he can't tell me!) Wait four years to hear "Mama." Beg God on four Mother's Days for your child to say Mama and go to sleep each of those nights in a depression. Autism is frustrating.
Autism is...Fear - When Michael was six, he loved to run outside and swing on the swing set. That was great but he would pick a time I was in the bathroom and run outside. One time, I was in the bathroom, came out and he was gone. I ran around the house and saw him walking up the road. I asked him where he had been and he said, "Talk to the policeman." I looked down the street and saw a meter-reader. Can you imagine what could have happened? That night, we went to Wal-Mart and got alarms for all of the outside doors so we could hear if he slipped out. There is also fear in other areas. I am afraid to let him use a public bathroom by himself. When he was little, it is common for little boys to go in the women's bathroom. Now, he is almost as tall as me so he has to go in the men's bathroom. He cannot tell me much so I have to trust that there are no weirdos in there touching him. I fear for his future. My big depression hit when Michael was six. It hit me that I could never die. Who would take care of him when his dad and I died? Would I be able to find a facility to take him and care for him? Autism is fear.
Autism is...Hope - Now, this did not come overnight! This one took prayers from myself and my church family. I had no hope for many years but God has helped me to see that He has a plan for Michael. (I know this sounds weird to some of you and that it just sounds like empty words. I assure you that I mean this with all my heart and I am not crazy!) A few years ago, a co-worker told me about a school for autistic teenagers in Middle Tennessee. This school trains them in job and life skills. I also read about Vanderbilt University's college program for autistic young adults. Wow! Now, I had something to hang on to and I have hung on for my life! I started to see that he could have a job and could possibly live independently. Hope is truly a wonderful thing! Autism is hope.
Autism is....Lonely - My wonderful husband and I have had one night alone in eleven years and I am not kidding. My phone doesn't ring with friends wanting to go out to dinner or shopping. We do not get together with couples and let Michael play with their children. We go NOWHERE. It is difficult to go out in public when Michael's behavior is so unpredictable. If he is having a good day, we celebrate. Now, I will say that as he has gotten older, the meltdowns have lessened. When he was little, oh my goodness. Yes, I will say it: It was embarrassing. I know that sounds mean; "How can you say your child is embarrassing?" Because I'm embarrassed when he is making weird noises or flying his little cutouts around like an airplane and people are staring and wondering who the freaky people are. I'm sorry! I am only human. Autism is lonely.
Autism is...Love - Have a good relationship with your spouse? Having an autistic child will test that. My husband and I love each other now more that ever and I am grateful for that. There have been rough patches with this,though, because men and women react differently to the diagnosis. I knew something was wrong with Michael before my husband did and we have not talked about autism much since the diagnosis. That has been hard for me but that is how each of us cope. My husband is Michael's advocate and reads everything he can about autism but we just don't talk about it. Love is also shown from Michael. He is a very loving child to us and some of his teachers. I love my Michael smiles and hugs! Love is also shown through friends who have stood beside us through this. We have three friends who have always accepted Michael for who he is and just treat him like any other kid and that means everything to us. Autism is love.
Autism is...My Life - This is the way my life will be forever. I will have good and bad days. There will be challenges and cheers. I will fight until my last breath for my child and I will hope and pray for research to give us a cause and perhaps some treatments to make Michael's life better. Why me? Why not?! This is just the card I have been dealt so I will play it. Autism is my life.
